


Not So Perfect

by Evix



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, Bromance, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fame, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-08-08 12:36:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7758106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evix/pseuds/Evix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Backstreet Boys are the biggest vocal group in the world. They have sold over 130 million records worldwide and they have millions of fans who know everything there is to know about them. Everyone knows Brian, Nick, Howie, Kevin and AJ are perfect.</p><p>Or so everyone thinks.</p><p>This is their real story. The full story. The not so perfect story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction - Perfect Doesn't Exist

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, I'm Evix!  
> This is my first BSB fanfiction ever, and also the first story I'm posting on this site.  
> I used to post my fanfiction on fanfiction.net but I've decided to post this here instead.  
> My favorite BSB is Brian, but this story will be about the whole group.  
> I have no idea how long this story will be, I'm just gonna write it on the go, but I think it'll be quite long.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this story as much as I'll enjoy writing it.  
> Love, Evi

Not So Perfect  
\- by Evix -

Chapter 1  
Nobody is perfect.  
Nothing is perfect.  
Perfect doesn't exist.  
Not in my world anyway.  
Yet everybody wants it.  
Everybody expects it.

Esspecially from me.

For years and years perfection was something I lived for, something I breathed for, something for which I gave up everything I had ever had before.  
Only to come to the realisation, years and years later, that perfection doesn't exist.  
I should know.  
According to the world I was supposed to be perfect. And I sure as hell know better than that. I'm not perfect. Never was, never will be. Not even close.  
We all were supposed to be perfect. We. For years and years that's what I thought I was. I was we. I wasn't just a part of something you could call we, it was more than that. I was we. Without the we, there was no I. Without the I however... I think I always knew that without the I the we would still be there, it would just be called them, instead of we.  
That's the reason why for such a long time I straved for perfection so bad, so bad it actually hurt. It hurt me, but also the we, and also everybody else around me. But I straved for that perfection, because I always knew, deep down, that if I wasn't perfect, I couldn't be part of we. And if I couldn't be part of we, I would die. I lived and breathed for the we.

Of course you know whom I speak of when I write about 'we'.  
Everyone in the whole wide world knows.  
We were the Backstreet Boys.

Everyone in the whole wide world knows the Backstreet Boys. Millions of people know everything about us, our names, our songs, our birthdays, our families, our favorite color, our favorite food. Everything about us.  
Or so they think.  
They think we're perfect.  
I think I am the only one who really knows everything there is to know about us.  
I know I am the only who really knows everything there is to know about me.  
I should know, because I lived it.  
We are not perfect.  
Not even close.

Perfect doesn't exist.

This is our story. Our real story. Our not so perfect story.


	2. 1992

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much to Mamogirl for leaving kudos!  
> That absolutely made my day!
> 
> Here's chapter two! The story is really starting now!

Not So Perfect  
\- Chapter 2 - 

 

It was the summer of 1992 when it all started. I was a 19-year-old ball of energy, freshly graduated from high-school, and completely and absolutely devoted to the idea that I was going to be the next Robert DeNiro. Luckily for me, my mom was my biggest fan and drove me all through America to countless auditions for small acting roles in theater and movies, never with any success, but I did get quite far in some auditions, which was the reason I kept trying and trying.   
The acting world - actually I should rephrase that to the auditioning world, because that's as far as I ever got - was a weird little world. A lot of times I'd have to wait in a waiting room, I always arrived way too early, and I'd have to sit between all these boys that were there to audition for the same role. Instead of making me nervous, or making me feel like I was never going to get the part, it always made me excited. I didn't feel intimidated, I felt challenged. I was going to beat these guys. One day I would be famous and they would still be sitting in these crappy waiting rooms, looking at all these other boys and feeling intimidated by them. I strongly believed that, the naive 19-year-old that I was.  
The funny thing about this auditioning world though, was that it was in a way a small world. What I mean by that is that there were quite a handful of boys that I kept bumping into in the waiting rooms, boys that always seemed to try for the same kind of roles that I auditioned for. Between most of these boys there was a lot of jealousy and rivalry, but there were a few boys that I kept bumping into that were actually a lot like me. Full of self-esteem and energy, but no rivalry or envy. They seemed to carry the same attitude that I did. Let the best man win. One day that'll be me, and I'll just keep trying until that day comes, and up until that point no hard feelings.  
The one I saw the most was a weird little guy from Florida, who was five years younger than me, and actually already had a few little roles up on his sleeve. He was a loud but sweet guy, with a good sense of humor and respect. He did at least half of the auditions I did, because he looked older than he was, and I looked younger than I really was. His name was Alexander James McLean.   
Another guy I met during the auditions was a cute, little blond boy, who was actually seven years younger than me, so I didn't see him very often since we obviously never auditioned for the same role. He was only 12 years old when I first met him, but he had the ability to get the whole room's attention pointed to him, because he was so energetic and charismatic. His name was Nick Carter.  
It was in the waiting room for a musicalaudition that I can't even remember, in the early summer of 1992, when we quite randomly out of the blue started singing together in the waiting room, and were shocked by each others talent. We got a standing ovation in the waiting room from our mothers and the other auditioning boys, and it was then when we exchanged e-mail adresses.   
Later that summer I received an email from AJ, that was adressed to me and Nick, about an advertisement in the Orlando Sentinel about auditions for a new vocal group. I signed up immediately.

The auditions for this vocal group thing were different than most other auditions I had previously done. They weren't being held in a production office or a studio, with tens of boys before and after me, they were being held in a blimp hangar, and there were only a handful of boys auditioning with me. The man hosting the auditions wasn't a big producer or a record company. He was a very rich airline businessman, who had never done anything in the music industry before, but wanted to start a new vocal group. His name was Lou Pearlman. It was uncommon, but I went for it anyway. AJ had emailed me again, a few days before my audition, that he had already gotten a place in the group, after an audition in Lou's livingroom, again uncommon, which frankly made me all the more excited to go.   
The audition went great. I had to audition on my own, so I didn't see Nick, or anyone else that day, but I sang my heart out and tried my best with the dance routine they wanted me to perform, and I got invited for a second round of auditions, this time with a handful of boys, where I met up with both AJ and Nick, and another guy that had already been selected from a private audition. The friendship that we already had formed during our auditions must have come across, because what do you know, the only boys chosen from our auditions were me and Nick.   
Now I was officially in a vocal group, with Nick, AJ and a guy called Kevin Richardson, who was 20 years old, a year older than me, and eight years older and twice to size of Nick! I had no idea what to expect, but I was excited and so were the other guys.

The first few rehearsels with our newly formed vocal group were held in the same blimp hangar where Nick and I'd had our auditions. The rehearsel were long, starting early in the morning, and ending late in the evening. Lou was always there, together with his music managers Johnny and Donna Wright, a vocal coach, and a dance teacher. We mostly learned to sing a few acapella songs together in harmony and we learned hip-hop influenced dance routines. These first rehearsels were mostly arranged to see how our voices sounded together, how we handled harmonies, and how good a dancers we were. And of course simply to get to know eachother. In other words, if this whole circus was going to work. We got to know each other quick enough. Right from the start Kevin took the role of the oldest member very serious. He was even more of a perfectionist than me, and he was the one to always tell everybody when they hit a wrong note or did a dance move wrong. Nick was still a child, especially compared to Kevin. He was extremely playful, extremely loud and he had a very short attention span. AJ was a bit more to himself than the rest of us, I could tell he struggled with insecurities more than the rest of us, but he was a great dancer and he absolutely outdanced every single one of us. I bonded with him the most during those first few weeks, even though Kevin tried his best to bond with me. I could tell he didn't quite know how to deal with the fact that Nick and AJ were so much younger than him, and he liked to try and talk to me about more 'grown up stuff', like girls, and partying. Now that I look back to those days I can hardly believe it, Kevin Richardson talking about teenage stuff, stuff that when he was older and Nick and AJ started partying started to heavily dispise and try to talk 'sense' into them as he disagreed with their lifestyle.   
Yeah, we were all pretty different back in those early days. Nick was still half the size of Kevin, innocent and all smiles, and most surprisingly of all pretty shy. It was obvious he came from quite the dysfunctioning family, his mom and dad were divorced and he lived with his mom, but the most I had seen of his mom in those first few weeks was getting a glimpse of her through the car window of her big, old family car as she dropped her son of in the morning at the hangar, and picked him in the evenings. She never shook hands with any of us, and I never saw her speak to Lou or anyone else that were taking care of her only son.   
Lou was a really, really rich man. He had bought us a 'band house' where Kevin, AJ and I moved into after it became clear that this auditioning period was going to be a long proces, esspecially since Lou kept insisting that we were missing something, or actually someone. For short periods of time Lou would bring a new boy into the group, keeping him in the group for a few days before he would either decide they weren't good enough, or we wouldn't like the boy and we would tell Lou this wasn't going to work.   
Meanwhile I was having the time of my life in the rehearsels and in our bandhouse. It wasn't a big house, but it was my house. I shared a room with AJ, it was amazing.   
Kevin and Nick each had their own room, even though Nick didn't always stay in the bandhouse, but I didn't mind. I loved sharing a room with AJ, we had a really tight friendship back then.   
During the rehearsels slowly our roles in the group became clearer as time went by. On about 80 percent of the songs I was the lead singer. Yes, you heard that right. Howie D. was the lead singer of the Backstreet Boys once. Kevin sang a lot as well, and Nick did all the high harmonies, and AJ the low harmonies. It was amazing. I felt like I was on top of the world.   
When the sixth additional member was deemed nog good enough by Lou we all started to get a bit impatient. I didn't really understand why he wanted a fifth member anyway. We sounded amazing, just the four of us, and we had amazing chemistry. I didn't even really want a fifth member anymore.   
But then Brian came into the spotlight. Kevin's little cousin from Kentucky, who according to Kevin was exactly what we needed. According to Kevin, Brian had the voice of an angel, and he was blond with blue eyes like Nick, and right in the middle of all our ages. He was perfect.  
Ugh.  
The moment he stepped foot into our rehearsel studio I hated him. Through the obvious nerves I could see was a real heartthrob. Fair with blond hair, blue eyes, a big genuine smile ever present on his face, a strong body, yet not too tall. He looked absolutely nothing like his cousin.   
He looked like a perfect popstar.   
The moment he opened his mouth and started singing with us there was not a single doubt left in anyone's mind. We'd found our fifth member. He was perfect.  
Everyone was ecstatic. Everyone loved him. Everyone but me. Because I knew, from the moment I heard that fair little Kentucky-boy's voice, that he had by far the best voice out of all of us. Kevin was right. He truly had the voice of an angel. I knew right there and then that one day he was going to replace me as the lead singer.  
So obviously, I hated him.   
I hated him with every fiber of my being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BRIAN FANS DONT HATE ME!
> 
> Brian is my absolute favorite Backstreet Boy.   
> Always has and always will be. Remember that. :)
> 
> Please let me know what you thought in the comments below! I really wanna hear your thoughts guys, seeing how this is my first BSB fanfic ever :D
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> Love Evi


	3. 2011

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N = From now on some dates will be altered a little to benefit the story! I'm going to try to keep most of the events and dates in this story correct, but don't be surprised to see some changes. It's a story after all, pretending to be realistic, but in all reality being purely fictional :)

Chapter 3 

The first few months went by so quick I can't even believe it. Once we had found our fifth member in Brian, our rehearsels schedules went crazy. We rehearsed in Lou's hangar every single day, from early morning till late in the evenings. By then we had all moved into the bandhouse Lou had bought for us and it was amazing. Even little Nicky was sort of living with us fulltime now, only going home to his parents in the rare weekends off.   
It felt like I had gotten an extra family. I had gained three younger brothers, one big brother, a new dad in Lou, a new uncle and aunt in Johnny and Donna, and a new mom in AJ's mom, who had gotten herself a job in our management team.  
We all went along great, and absolutely loved what we were doing, but it was in those early days already that we also got in numerous fights with each other. We saw eachother every day during rehearsels, and also lived in the same house in the evenings. Obviously we could get very annoyed with eachother.   
Esspecially Nick and Kevin did not get along very well in those early days. Nick was always messing around, playing pranks on everybody. He was so energetic sometimes it drove us absolutely crazy. The only one who never seemed to tire of Nick's antics was Brian. Brian and Nick were inseperable from the get-go, attached to the hip everywhere we went. When I met Brian I had thought he was a little shy, and quite calm and serious, like his cousin. But boy, was I wrong. Brian was just as bad as Nick when it came to energylevels and hyperactivity. The only difference between was that Brian was also very Christian, which made him think a little more about his actions than Nick. Kevin was a bit of an outsider in the first days. I think he was genuinely feeling like he had to act like a dad to his younger bandmates, and obviously feeling kind of awkward about the big age difference between him and the youngest two in the band.   
For a long, long time AJ was my best friend. It was obvious that AJ also got along with Brian and Nick very well, but we were simply more alike, and AJ knew just as well as I did that there was no way anybody would ever get between Brian and Nick.

Funny how things can change, I muse as I walk in the middle of our little group, almost 20 years later. It's spring, 2011, and after 5 years of absence Kevin has decided to rejoin the group. Excitement boils in my stomach at the mere thought and I risk tearing my gaze away from the rough earth underneith my feet to glance at my oldest no-longer-ex-bandmate. A snort escaped my lips as I realise that after so many years a lot has happened, but yet some things never change. Kevin is of course the first person in our little train of backstreet men, leading the way through a thick forest on a hill we're currently climbing. Kevin is the one who came up with the idea to go on a little vacation together, just the five of us, two weeks in a little bungalow in the middle of nothing but nature, to, as he put it, 'get our bond strong again like back in the old days'. I was immediately up for it, because I hadn't seen Brian, Nick and AJ in a little over three months now, and I hadn't seen Kevin in almost a whole year. I definately agreed with Kevin that our bond needed to be strengthened again, because we had all been growing apart a little in the last half year. Nick was immediately up for it as well, but Brian and AJ had needed a little more convincing, but eventually we all agreed.   
Nick is walking directly behind Kevin, a few meters in front of me. I could easily catch up on them, never mind their longer legs, knowing I'm definately more fit than both of the currently leading two men, but I'm deliberately not doing so because Brian is behind me, uncharacteristically quiet and lagging behind. AJ is even further behind, complaining loudly of course. That doesn't surprise me in the least. What does surprise me is Brian. Out of all of us Brian has always been the fittest. He is sporty spice, the smallest but strongest member in our group. But he's not showing it right now, and I know it's because he's not looking forward to our little trip, which is also a little out of character because a younger, more adventurous Brian would have loved to go on a trip with just his bandmates and would have been bouncing all over the place.   
A younger Brian would have been bouncing all over the place together with an equally energetic Nick, a Nick who would have not liked to be in the front of the group, but would have preferred to follow behind. A Nick who was extremely loud and who wouldn't stop talking and giggling the whole way. Well at least that hasn't changed. 31-year-old Nick Carter still hasn't quite mastered the skill of silence. The difference though is that a younger Nick wouldn't have chosen Kevin to be the one to direct his endless ramblings to. A younger Nick would have never allowed there to exist a distance of any kind between him and Brian, and never would have chosen to walk ahead in front of him. Brian would have never deliberately chosen to lag behind, to allow, or better yet create a space between him and his other bandmates, least of all Nick.   
I wouldn't have been reading so much into my bandmates behaviour's, and I wouldn't have even cared about some of their's. I have always had an observing nature in me, but I was less perceptive.   
None of us are the way we used to be. The only one who still slightly resembles his old self is Kevin, the one who had decided to take a five-year break from all of us. AJ has changed for the better. He has been clean and sober for years now and has changed from a stressed out, untrustworthy, unhappy person to a person who has accepted himself, and who has found happiness.   
I am happy for him as I realise this, but deep inside of me I also feel a little sting of jealousy that I still haven't found that happiness in my life. That I can't find the way to simply accept who I am, and what I am, and to be happy with that.  
So much has changed, but I am starting to doubt that that little devil in me will ever leave me alone.  
"Oh my god, guys, my feet are killing me! How much further do we have to climb this fucking hill?" AJ complains loudly in the back, jolting me out of my musings.  
"You shouldn't have put on those stupid slippers, knowing we're going to hike for hours. I think we're almost there." Kevin answers from the front, eliciting Brian to snort loudly at AJ's stupidity.  
"Kev, Kev, do you know why the pope doesn't want to be buried?" Nick asks Kevin, making it Kevin's turn to snort.  
"No, I don't Nick."  
"Because he's not dead yet." Nick answers dead-serious for a moment, then he bursts out laughing. Years before, Kevin wouldn't have laughed, but now he is barking with laughter at the silly joke. I shake my head at Nick's childishness, and hear AJ mutter to himself goodnaturedly.   
Brian doesn't laugh. He doesn't respond at all. 20 years ago he would have been crying with laughter. Now he doesn't even look up, but keeps his eyes fixed on the ground. I feel the excitement for this little backstreet-trip slowly fade a little, as I can't help but feel the tension radiating from Brian.  
"There it is! Look AJ!" Nick cries out loudly, pointing in front of him. It's true. In the distance, a little down the other side of the little hill I can see a humble, but beautiful little house.   
"Oh thank you Jesus, oh my fucking feet!" AJ exclaims loudly, making Nick in front of me snort loudly.   
Behind me, I hear Brian make the first noise I've heard from him in at least an hours time, as he lets out a deep sigh of what could be relief, but could also be something else.   
Not being able to stand by and just ignore this weird, weird, non-Brian behaviour a second longer, I turn around and face him. He looks up at me, with his bright blue eyes and I notice that he looks tired. His eyes miss the boyish sparkle he usually has in them. Something is bothering him, a lot, but I can't for the life of me think of what, and he stays silent so I decide to just ask.  
"You feeling okay, Bri? You're awfully silent today."  
His eyes widen at my question, like he had kind of been expecting someone to notice his silence, but hoping no-one would call him out of it.  
"I'm fine. Little tired, s'all." Is all he says, with a small, unsincere smile. His voice sounds a little strained and I wonder if he's coming down with a cold or something. Maybe that's why he's acting so somber, I tell myself and I actually feel relieved as we continue walking to the little bungalow that will be our home the next two weeks.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more background story, building up the suspense I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there.  
> So this is a bit of a short chapter, but I wanted to post it anyway.   
> Some more background storyline, building up the suspense I hope.  
> I really enjoy writing like this, but I promise in the next chapters there will be more present storyline and more clarity I guess about what's going on and why Howie is thinking back to all of this stuff.

4.  
I was 20 years old when we had our first official performance as the Backstreet Boys. It was the year 1993, and it was being broadcasted on 6 News. I remember not being nervous at all, even though I absolutely was the lead singer back then. Me, and Kevin. We had already performed lots of times, but for smaller crowds, in supermarkets, stores and even parking lots. This was our first ´real´ performance that a lot of people were going to see. I remember Brian and AJ almost pissing their pants from the nerves, and I remember feeling bad for AJ, but feeling a little thriumph somewhere deep down in seeing the utter fear on Brian´s face, even though he stood in the far back of our little formation, and he didn´t have a single solo throughout the whole performance. Shocking right? A few years later, Brian would have almost twice the amount of solos throughout a performance of both me and Kevin put together, but back then he had none and I was absolute fine with that.   
The performance went great, and I remember feeling like I was at the top of the world, like it would only get better and better from here. The girls were falling head over heels for us and everyone was enthousiastic. And it would get better and better, however little did I know that it would not necessarily get better for me. 

That performance was our opening to playing 'real' performances, no longer in shops and parking lots, but on small stages in small venues, sometimes as an opening act, sometimes as our own show. We got a few new songs that we had to practise weeks on end in the hangar before we could perform them. I was still the lead singer, and I esspecially really loved a song called 'I Got To Get It'. It had this really cool dance opening and I really liked the sound of it. We performed it, together with a few other songs, on television for the first time at Universal Studios. This performance was important, because a lot of producers were there, to get to know us. Among others, Max Martin was there.   
Needless to say, from then on things would drastically change.   
The next time we played that song on national television, in the exact same year, Brian sang my verse and the lead on the chorus, and he absolutely stole the show. I sang his backing harmonies, and stood in the back. By then nobody cared about Howie D anymore, they had found their little superstar, they had found their way to stardom for the Backstreet Boys. 

A stardom that not even ten years later would have changed the whole music industry, and with it, all of our lives. Some for the better, some for the worst. I'm still not sure which it is for me.

When Kevin left the band I was heart-broken. I had seen it coming for a while, being the one that shared Kevin's fate of working just as hard as Brian, AJ and Nick, but always being in the background, always getting less credit and less attention. In a way I had gotten used to it by then, by always standing behind the younger three. I had accepted my fate, and feelings of wanting to quit and trying to go solo had never really been a serious possibility for me.   
But when my partner announced his departure from the group, and explained his reasons, I felt betrayed and lost, and most of all really angry, and that anger funnily enough wasn't even directed at Kevin, but at his little, perfect cousin, who had ruined everything for me, by making my dreams of becoming a superstar come true, and then push me to the background forever.   
I think that's the real event that caused everything to slowly fall apart, that made our stardom start to fade, and caused all of our personal demons to slowly get the better of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think of the story so far.


End file.
